


King of the Pickup Artists

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, Humor, Multi, Out of Character, Parody, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-09
Updated: 2007-07-09
Packaged: 2018-09-30 10:29:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10161173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: A Slytherin bet is made. First one to get a girl into bed usuing only cheesy pickup lines wins. Very funny one-shot!  NOMINATED AT QUILL TO PARCHMENT!





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. 

 

"It's here!" Draco Malfoy shouted, running into the Common Room. He threw a heavy brown paper wrapped package across the room, where it was caught easily by the hand of Blaise Zabini.

"It's about damn time! We only sent for it a month ago!" He ripped off the paper and all five of them gasped at once.

"Let me see it!" Crabbe squealed, reaching for it.

"No bloody way, you fat turd!" Blaise said, thumping him in his head. "Draco should be first. He handed Malfoy a book bound in red leather with the words '100 Pick up Lines' stamped in gold letters across the front.

Draco turned to the first page. As he read what was written there, a huge shit eating grin spread across his pale face. "This is so fucking great!"

Theo Nott walked to the back of Draco's chair and read over His shoulder. "Holy shit! Some of these are so stupid! Do you honestly think these will work?" he scoffed.

"And why wouldn't they?" Blaise asked, taking the book and flipping through the pages.

"No girl would be dumb enough to fall for some corny pick up line... unless it was that Lovegood girl; she's pretty stupid... and desperate." Theo and Goyle were the only ones to laugh.

"Well I think it'll work, don't you Zabini?" Draco asked, daring his friend to disagree with him.

"Sure I do. In fact, let's make a little wager..." Everyone groaned and rolled their eyes. "What's wrong? Don't think your man enough to test it?"

"I'm man enough," Theo stated. "What's the bet?"

"During the Spring Dance on Saturday, we will use pick up lines from this book to try and get a girl to have sex with us. First one who succeeds is the winner and will hence forth be known as 'The King of the Pick Up Artists'."

Draco thought this was a brilliant idea. "I'm game, but can I make it a little more interesting?"

"Be my guest," Blaise said with a huge smile.

"The losers will have to pay the winner 50 Galleons... each."

"Are you crazy?" Nott exclaimed angrily. "I don't have that kind of money just lying around!"

"Apparently you lack faith in yourself, Nott," Draco said, the flames from the fireplace dancing in his eyes. "I always knew you were a chicken shit bastard. Are you wearing girly knickers?" He lifted up the boys robes and got his hand smacked.

"I'm not a girl and I'm not a chicken!"

"Well then prove it!" Blaise said, smirking evilly.

"Fine! I'll play your dumb game... and I'll win!" Nott said.

"We'll just see about that!" Draco said, very sure of himself. He sat back and began to read.

 

Saturday:

The Great Hall was packed. The music was thumping and everyone was having a good time. The group of Slytherins were gathered around the buffet table searching the room for their victims.

"You go first, Goyle!" Draco said and pushed the frightened boy into Ginny Weasley, making her spill her punch down her dress.

"Watch where you're going dickhead!" she shouted at him.

Goyle looked back at his so called friends who were laughing their asses off. "Um Weasley..." he said, shuffling his feet nervously.

Ginny glanced up at the red faced boy. "What?" she snapped.

Goyle looked back at Draco who was mouthing for him to go for it. He hesitated for only a second and then blurted, "You are so beautiful that I would crawl across the desert on my hands and knees through broken glass just to jerk off in your shadow."

Ginny's mouth fell open and her half empty cup fell to the floor and rolled away. She was shocked and surprised that this imbecile would dare speak to her the way he did. "What did you say?"

He started to repeat his line but was knocked into the buffet table when Ginny hauled off and punched him in the face. He lay there, on top of the tiny quiche, holding his swelling eye.

Ginny picked up a cupcake and rubbed it angrily in his face. "Don't you EVER speak to me that way again!" She gave the group of laughing Slytherins a death look and stomped off.

Draco and Blaise helped Goyle up. He wiped the frosting from his face and then stuck his fingers in his mouth to lick them clean.

"That was bloody fucking horrible!" Draco said, tears of mirth streaming down his face.

"Yeah, sorry mate! Better luck next time!" Theo said, slapping the huge boy on the back rather hard.

"Who's next?" Blaise asked them. "Crabbe?"

Crabbe looked as though he wanted to bolt from the room and never return. "I..."

"You can do it, Crabbe!"

"Yeah go for it, man!"

Crabbe scanned the room for the one girl he thought he might have a chance with and started to slowly walk across the room towards her.

"Who's he going for?" Theo asked, craning his neck to see over the crowd.

"Not her!" Draco said, smacking himself in the forehead. "What's he thinking?" They hurried through the throngs of people, so that they could eavesdrop better.

Millicent Bulstrode was standing and talking with her friends when she was rudely interrupted by a red faced and sweaty Vincent Crabbe. He just walked up to her, cleared his throat and said rather loudly, "Excuse me for interrupting and I'm not trying to make a pass but you must be leaving the country if you're packing that much ass!"

Her friends burst out in hysterics as did everyone around them. "Are you saying that my ass is big!?" she shouted, grabbing him by the front of his shirt.

Crabbe stammered, clearly afraid of the manly girl. "I... I was just saying that your ass is..."

"Is what?" Millicent said, lifting him off the ground so that the tips of his scuffed shoes scraped the ground. "Is what!?" she said, through clenched teeth.

Crabbe started to shake and then he passed out. Millicent frowned and let go of him. He slid to the floor and lay there, not moving. She kicked his shoe with the toe of her three inch high heel pump. "Serves you right, you worthless pig! Teach you to say things about my ass!" She turned back to her friends as Draco and Blaise each grabbed one of his legs and pulled him into the corner.

"That was so damn funny!" Theo said, propping Crabbe up against the wall.

"I didn't think so, she could have killed him! The bitch is a transvestite!" Blaise said, looking over at her massive arms. "She has a fucking penis, I know it!"

"You lot are just pitiful!" Theo stated. "Let me show you how it's done" He straightened his tie, smoothed down his hair, fixed his eyebrows and sniffed his breath. "Pay attention, maybe you'll learn something." He picked the closest girls and strolled over to them.

 

Padma was sitting at a table with her sister. They were both exhausted from dancing and the last thing they wanted to see was a Slytherin with an arrogant swagger coming towards them

"Merlin! I hope he keeps walking!" Parvati said, looking at Theo disgustedly.

He pulled the chair out from between them, swung it around backwards and sat down. He missed the fact that the twins rolled their eyes at each other.

"What do you think?" Blaise asked Draco.

"Not a chance in hell," he smirked.

"What do you want?" Padma asked, not caring if she sounded rude.

"You know," he said, leaning across the table. "You have a beautiful voice. It would sound even better muffled by my cock."

Padma's jaw dropped.

Theo grinned at her and then turned to her sister.

Parvati glared at him. "I'm not in the mood for your filthy comments, so you should just leave."

Theo drummed his fingers on the table. "Not in the mood for comments huh?" He smiled at her. "How about we play a game then."

Parvati looked over at her sister, who was still reeling from fact that this boy had said the word 'cock' in her presence. "What game? What are you talking about?"

"How about we play Army? I'll lie down on the floor and you can blow the hell out of me."

Parvati and Padma both jumped up and started shouting at him.

Theo put his arms over his head to ward off the blows of their fists. "Ladies please!" he said. "I love S&M as much as the next guy, but we can't do this in public. If you let me take you back to my room, we can beat each other until the sun comes up!"

"I told you he didn't have a chance! Blaise said in amusement as he watched Theo scramble away from them.

"And what exactly was I supposed to learn from that, Nott?" Draco said, chuckling. "How to get my ass beat by a couple of girls?"

"Just shut the fuck up, Malfoy!" Theo said, wiping the blood from his lip. "I don't see YOU trying!"

Draco smiled, showing his brilliant white teeth. "It's not my turn, Zabini is going next. Aren't you?"

"Fine with me!" He said, like he hadn't a care in the world. "Hmm..." He looked around and then zeroed in on his target. "Watch the Master." He quickly made his way across the Hall, followed by Draco, Nott and Goyle.

Luna was dancing by herself, gyrating and flopping around the dance floor like a fish having a seizure when a pair of muscular arms grabbed her and pulled her close. "Wha...?" She saw who it was and immediately tried to wriggle away.

"Shh..." Blaise said as a slow song started to play. He placed one of his hands on her lower back and swayed to the music. She soon gave up her escape attempt and began to move with him. "You know, Lovegood, I'd love to get between your legs and eat my way straight to your heart..." He licked her ear.

Luna stiffened in his arms. Her giant eyes bugged out of her head. "You know, they say that most women would rather have oral sex than actual penetration. I don't plan on ever finding out. I'm going to stay a virgin forever because it's a proven fact that sex makes you crazy. Oh and if you do it when it a full moon, all your babies will be born covered in hair... I would never want hairy kids, that would be sad..."

Blaise thought that she was beyond crazy already. "I really want to fuck your brains out, Lovegood, but it looks like someone already has." He let go of her and went back to Draco. "I thought I could do it, but the girl is a friggin lunatic! There is no way I can fuck her!"

"You're giving up?" Draco asked.

Blaise nodded. "I give up. That Luna broad killed my dick. I don't think I'll be able to get it up for months!"

"You're pathetic!" Draco said, shaking his head.

"Who are you to call anyone pathetic? You haven't tried yet." Blaise said angrily.

"Yeah! It's your turn, Malfoy! I bet you fail just as miserably as we did!" Goyle said, shoving an entire sandwich into his mouth.

I agree! You'll fail just like us because that book of your is fucking useless!" Theo said. "Pick up lines guaranteed to work!" He snorted in disgust. "Not!"

Draco sneered at them. "Well I think you lot failed because you just aren't as sexy and irresistible as I am. I don't need these pick up lines, but I'll use them just to prove that they work. Hell, I'll even let you choose the girl..."

Blaise and Nott looked at each other and then turned to Draco. "Granger," Blaise said. "We choose Granger."

Draco's wanted to dance a jig but he managed to keep his cool. "Granger it is." He located her standing by the punch bowl, alone. "Coming?" he asked his friends and started towards her.

He walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and almost choked on her drink when she saw him smiling at her. Draco licked his finger slowly and then wiped it on her dress robes. "How about I take you back to my room and get you out of these wet clothes?"

Hermione placed her drink down gently on the table. she grinned at him and cocked her eyebrow devilishly. "Do you train cats?" she asked him, a teasing lilt to her voice.

He frowned, confused. "No. Why?"

"Because you just made my pussy cum!" She winked, making him lick his lips with sudden and overwhelming desire.

He smirked, his eyes lighting up with interest. "Do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers?" he asked, reaching out with the first two fingers of his right hand and running them gently over her glossy lips.

"No. Why?" she asked, taking his long fingers into her wet hot mouth and sucking on them.

"Because they're mine," he said, pulling her close.

Everyone in the Great Hall was standing there, wondering what the hell was going on.

Hermione ran her hands over his chest. "This shirt is very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too."

Draco grabbed the back of her head and pulled her towards him. His lips were almost touching hers. "My dicks been feeling a little dead lately, wanna give it mouth to mouth?"

Hermione stuck out her tongue and slowly licked his bottom lip. "Like the hurricane said to the coconut tree: hold on to your nuts, I'm gonna give you the blow of your life," she said in a breathy sensual voice.

By now the music had stopped and all attention was on the couple who couldn't keep their hands off each other.

"I think," Draco said, kissing her neck and making her moan. "That pick up lines are for people with too much time on their hands. Wanna go back to my room and fuck?" He pressed his stiff cock into her sending shivers of pleasure through his body.

Hermione bit his earlobe playfully. "Yes, Malfoy, if fact right now I'm so horny, I'd rip out both my eyes just so you'd have more holes to screw me in."

And to everyone's astonishment, Draco picked Hermione up, put her over his shoulder, left the Great Hall and headed towards his room.

After two hours of freaky sex, they collapsed on each other, exhausted.

"What are you going to with the money you get from winning the bet?" Hermione asked.

"I'm going to take my sexy no longer secret girlfriend out to a lavish dinner and buy her anything she wants." He rolled on top of her and kissed her deeply. "After all, you did help me win."

There was a knock at the door and Blaise shouted for him to get his ass out of the room because he needed to go to sleep.

"I'll be right there, Zabini!" He rolled off the bed. "Time for you to go, my love."

"Are you kicking me out of the bed, Draco?"

He laughed. "The only reason I would kick you out of the bed would be to fuck you on the floor!"

"Draco! Damn it open up!" Blaise and Theo were both now hammering on the door.

Hermione flung it open and stood there, half dressed, flushed and looking very sexy. "Goodnight boys!" she said with a mischievous smile and walked out of the Common Room.

After she left, Blaise turned to Draco and bowed. "All hail the King of the Pick Up Artists!"


End file.
